Overall, I like the concept and execution of home schooling, if it is done right. What I mean by this is the following:

1) Follows a prescribed curriculum with attendant materials.

2) Parents clearly delineate boundaries, i.e. school vs. home, reward vs. punishment, work vs. play, etc.

3) Parents clearly plan and agree on what is appropriate for either transitioning into the state school system(s) and keeping their child(ren) home schooled until college age.

Well, you and I disagree considerably here:

1) I don't believe that pre-packaged curricula is necessary. The resources, traditional and non-traditional, available are just too numerous! I prefer a smorgasbord approach...a variety, based on needs and interests, which are fluid. There should be the opportunity to find those resources which are useful and appealing to the user. A prepackaged curricula would probably end up being a waste of money in this case, unless it was purchased for a reason other than "we've got to have set curricula". (I forgot where I read this, but: what kid ever snuck under the covers at night after bedtime with a flashlight to read a workbook?)

2) Again, I don't see a boundary between school vs. home. If we are baking chocolate chip cookies, I'm not going to turn it into a math lesson in any contrived fashion, but can you deny that real learning happens in the baking? The measuring, the food chemistry, time, etc. That is a simple example, but illustrative, I hope. The things we learn matter in our real lives and through our real lives we learn. Why separate them? The math I know is used to pay bills every month. I was "good" in math in school and got excellent grades, but I can't tell you how many times these days I've had "aha!" mathematical moments in dealing with finances and other real world problems--moments when I finally learned (i.e., the knowledge was truly mine, for my own real purposes) a concept that I'd already been given an "A" for "knowing" years ago.

In schools, we teach kids that learning is something that happens TO them, that they have no control over; it's the only thing standing between them and the outside world, the things they really care about. They learn not to care about learning. They learn to resent learning as it is force fed to them. They resign themselves to endure this for the promise of a reward at the end, along with the smaller awards along the way.

I believe that learning should be for its own sake. I believe that there is joy in learning...and schools can rob kids of that joy. I believe that learning, in the context of living, makes that learning meaningful and true, in ways that traditional schooling cannot.

In the scenario you paint, when school is over and home "starts", does the learning stop? If not, how then can you draw a boundary?

You present work vs. play as a dichotomy. I think this reinforces the notion that learning=work=not play=not fun=bad. This is the message that schools give kids. I don't think it's a good idea to repeat it at home. We learn so much from the things that we do for pleasure--how can they be separated? Also, isn't it desirable that the "work" we ultimately do as adults be at least somewhat appealing to us? Finally, if you have this dichotomy, in what category does reading fall? If someone loves to read, wouldn't this fall under the category of "play"? But reading is also a "school" subject, so that messes up the distinction. Do you have to learn to do "work" reading before or in order to do "play" reading? What category do Legos fall under? Does learning with Legos look differently than playing with Legos? If so, why?

Finally, I think extrinsic rewards and punishment have no place in learning. It's a cliche, but I truly believe that learning is its own reward. What is the benefit to the "learner" when s/he is forced or threatened into learning something--and is that truly learning (we still haven't defined that!)? If someone had to be threatened or bribed into learning something, I'd wonder why. I think the notion of the need for rewards and punishments in a learning environment is, again, very "schoolish" thinking. In schools, these tools are needed because kids are constantly being required to do things they don't want to do, in timeframes and ways they have no control over. Hence the need to "motivate" them with stickers and "A"s. But what is the outcome of this other than a person> whose "desire" to learn is born out of a need for rewards and a fear ofpunishment. At what point does this extrinsic motivation magically transform into intrinsic motivation? I think a person becomes truly motivated when he has experienced the success and reward inherent in learning things that matter to him, fulfilling goals that are meaningful and set by him.

We have this view of children not wanting to learn unless some adult forces or bribes them too. But kids are learning all the time; they can't NOT learn! But they are not always learning what we want them to learn and I would assert that the stuff that we are forcing or bribing them to "learn", they aren't really learning at all. Being able to retrieve info from one's short term memory and regurgitate it is not real learning. Children under the age of 5 do not have to be forced or bribed into talking, crawling, or walking--they pursue all of these things without formal instruction because they want to. Nothing magically changes at age 5; kids still learn best those things that interest them, things that they choose to pursue. Schools know this, that's why in the early grades kids get to chose between activitycenters (coloring at one time, numbers at another, puzzles at another, etc.), but then by 3rd grade, if not early, even this bit of freedom is taken away.

3) I think kids should have a say in the direction of their education. in case I haven't been clear about that. :-) this will change over time, but a general framework should be used to determine what direction this child's life will take.

But even with their parents framework, it is the child that ultimately decides the direction her life will take. Yes, parents shape, guide, nurture, but they don't have the final say. There are no guarantees and I believe that trying to enforce and predetermine this is the quickest way to have the child do exactly what you were trying to keep him from doing. Having taking away his choices, having not accounted for his preferences and particular learning style, and so forth, the child may end up: 1) living a life that someone else has designed and ultimately being unhappy and confused; 2) unable to make good decisions on his own. Talk about a coping mechanism! How will the child ever learn to make important decisions independently if some of the most important decisions--how he will spend their time, what he will learn--have always been made for him?; 3) looking too much to others for motivation and approval; and 4) having a very narrow and limiting definition of learning that resembles "book learning" and nothing more.

I think that when we assume that we ultimately control who our kids are going to be, everybody loses. What happens to that kid who just doesn't learn to fit the predetermined framework? Again, one size does not fit all, and the needs and unique make up of an individual child should be considered and respected.

4) Define some social outlets for the child to explore social interaction,skill-building, self-discovery, and nurturing. (A best friend in elementary school can do wonders for a child's self-esteem!!).

Why does the friend have to be in elementary school? We find good friends in lots of different places. And, there is a danger of placing a child's self-esteem at the mercy of others' acceptance of and interest in him. Again, school instills that peer-dependency in us. There are many ways to build self-esteem that originate in the best places of all: within ourselves and in the good stuff we do and with which we fill our lives.

Unless the child is an absolute hermit, the skills you mention will come naturally. And again, I think the child should participate in determining what activities she wants to pursue and they should be pursued not as a way to "self-discover" or have a "social outlet"--but rather because it's fun, challenging, or interesting. The activity is the end, not the means.

For me, it comes down to this: Children are not tabula rasa (I think that's spelled correctly!), blank slates to be filled by all-knowing adults. Nor are they willfull creatures to be tamed, whose spirits should be broken and made to conform. I believe kids are who they are. I believe parents and parenting matter, but it's more like this analogy: The parent is the sculptor, but some kids are Playdoh, others are mud, and still other are like sand. We knead and shape and gather, but we can't ever change what they are fundamentally. That piece of Playdoh can become many things, and we have a hand in what it ultimately becomes, but it will always and everywhere be Playdoh; it will never be sand or mud. What schools offer (and the type of homeschooling you describe) is like establishing one curriculum--a sand curriculum, for example--and expecting everyone to excelat it. This might work for the sand (and it might not! Where did this sand come from? Around what kind of sand was the curriculum designed?), but this isn't what's best for the mud and the Playdoh. Similarly, teachers are taught to "teach to the middle"--a ridiculous theory that posits that if you target the middle, you'll reach the majority of kids. This approach isn't best for anyone--not even that non-existent "average" child.

I think it's important to know your child and her individual strengths, weaknesses, learning style, and then, as one wise homeschooler has said: Strew her path with interesting things, possibilities, choices that complement and accentuate her gifts. This does not mean that kids should never pursue something that is challenging or out of their comfort zone. Rather, I believe in the idea that success breeds success; success builds confidence, self-esteem, AND and a willingness to take risks and accept challenges head on.

A lot of this is personal for me. I learned growing up that taking risks was the wrong thing to do where learning was concerned. I was to remain safely in those areas where I was strongest, to ensure the accolades and approval that I'd come to need in order to feel good about myself. I also learned that who I was was not good enough; my mother and others wanted me to be something that I wasn't. No one should ever go through life feeling that way.

I remember once (many ages ago) that you commented on how your mom instilled in you a sense of going after your dreams and being who you wanted to be, regardless of what people thought and of the expectations and limitations they tried to set for you (okay, you didn't use these EXACT words, but I do remember the sentiment). That stuck with me all of these years, because at the time, doing what your mom said was impossible for me--all of who I was was tied up in what other people thought and expected of me. Of course, at the time, I rationalized away the discomfort: she was just giving you carte blanche to be weird! But now I realize that she was actually handing you your freedom--the freedom to be yourself. I have had to seize that freedom, and it hasn't been fun. And I now realize that the reason I called what I saw in you "weird", was because I had no other word for someone who didn't follow the crowd and who seemed "at home" with himself.

This has really been a good exercise for me in thinking through these ideas. Your email sparked a really good discussion between my husband and me, and actually strengthened our resolve about the homeschooling issue. Explaining your beliefs to someone else forces you to work out the kinks.

Thank you!

Deesha

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I know I haven't addressed things like, "How do you know if they are really learning?" and "What's legal and what's not?". I've found the best source of this kind of info to be anecdotal from veteran homeschoolers, as there is such wide variations of experiences and methods. Some other homeschooling resources (in addition to the ones I mentioned in the course of my response) are: http://www.unschooling.com and http://www.homeedmag.com The Unschooling Handbook and The Homeschooling Handbook by Mary Griffith By Grace Llewellyn: "Real Lives: Eleven Teenagers Who Don't Go to School"; "Teenage Liberation Handbook"; and "Freedom Challenge"--Grace edits this book of profiles written by African-American homeschooling parents and kids.

Back to Deesha's "Conversation With a Relative" part 1